I Statements, Ego, and Leadership
In relationship therapy, counselors often encourage patients to speak to each other in “I statements” in order to diffuse defensiveness in the other partner and to only speak for oneself. This works well when trying to navigate a romantic relationship but at work, we function differently. As Adam Grant prolifically wrote on Linkedin today, “A company isn’t a family. Parents don’t fire their kids for low performance or furlough them in hard times. A better vision for a workplace is community - a place where people bond around shared values, feel valued as human beings, and have a voice about decisions that affect them.”
We shouldn’t try to navigate our workplace or work relationships the same way we navigate our home or family ones. As leaders and good team members, we need to recognize the dynamics at play and the realities of work relationships. Therefore, we should, in fact, do several things differently at work, including:
Use Less “I statements” - I employed someone for over 10 years who never really advanced in her position because she couldn’t see beyond herself and her own contributions. One of her most frustrating attributes was her constant use of the word “I.” In client services, it’s a team that accomplishes a common goal for clients. While each team member has different roles, it’s crucial to make it clear to the client how those roles work together to deliver results. Whenever we had client meetings, she would consistently say, “I did this, I did that,” whereas other team members providing updates would say “we did this” and “we delivered that.” While I understand that employees want to ensure managers know what their individual contributions are, they must recognize when a “we” statement is more appropriate, and trust that there is a time and place to report on individual accomplishments.
Let Ego Drive You (to a point) - in personal relationships we are told to set our egos aside and instead focus on the other person. If we’re being honest, at work ego plays a central role in our advancement. The secret is to keep it in check and remember that we are indeed here for the greater good, ultimately. Without ego, we wouldn’t care about doing a good job, nor about getting a raise or promotion. But with too much ego, we focus again on ourselves more than the unified company accomplishments. When that happens, companies can fail. No company, no job.
Walk In Front - lovers walk side by side. Colleagues need a leader. “Leading the way” literally means that someone has to be in front. Ideally, that leader sets an example that inspires others. In a recent poll, I discovered that many people care more about managers leading by example over other attributes, including experience and qualifications.
Over Analyze - Data is our friend. Grab as many stats as you can and study them to analyze the performance of people, content, products, management, and more. Actually, maybe people should do this in their personal relationships as well but with data and not emotion…
Spend Less Time Together - Work relationships are important but we already spend the majority of our days with colleagues (about 1/3 of your life according to a researcher at Gettysburg College). A boss shouldn’t be your buddy. That’s not to say you can’t have a kind and caring dynamic and relationship built on care and concern but ultimately, there is a power dynamic at play that cannot be ignored. Leaders have to make tough decisions that affect people’s lives. In order to do so, it’s only natural that they have a layer of professional distance between them.
Ultimately, yes, at work we have to remember that people are humans who crave attention, accolades, recognition, connection, and camaraderie. But unlike personal relationships, we are not all on level playing ground, nor should we be. By that, I mean that leadership is vital to making work, well, work. So the navigation of professional relationships must take that into account and steer us in directions appropriate for business success.
Are you training your managers on how to navigate professional relationships? Do they understand the nuances between professional and personal dynamics? Be sure you’re training your leadership team on psychological principles to motivate employees appropriately.
